After all this while, after all the tears shed, after every tiny tale related to, after every bit of advice heard, after every attempt made to elude the obvious feelings. I thought time has given me enough space to collect myself and finally face my fears. I personally never thought that it would be a problem or it would make a difference if I saw him because there was a time I started believing that it has to be gone by now, it should no longer be able to bother me, to hurt me, but I realised that for a bit, it was fine, it comes and goes, but for entire days together to have looked at him, to move with him, to spend time with him even if we never spoke to each other, I should've known that it would mess my perfectly made up mind and I had to have known it becomes difficult.
It was lunch on the second afternoon at the get together and the people who hung out with me had seen each other for an entire day and night, we spent our time bonding and making up for the time lost, and it was like any other get together could get. Food, games, music, a beautiful destination of a lot of other things. I stood there in the middle of the signed up chaos, and looked at him, with awe and disgust. A lot of things cross my mind when I see him, of the stream of thoughts, one that strikes me the hardest is that the person who once you were proud of, proud of him being in your life, is now a part of someone else's life, rather his life has someone else who held his priority card. The same face who stared me with all that love and concern, wouldn't even look at me, not even with a face that would give me a sense of relief that don't worry, it'll pass or it's okay. The other face which has learnt not to give a care about the person you once claimed to love. How does one perceive that behaviour as? I have two concerns, one if that behaviour is the silent language indicating the other person that he/she doesn't love him/her anymore and that it never mattered, or its just a little part of a big picture. How do you explain why you want him/her? Because you still love them, or are you insecure because they were your trophy partner, or they seem to be happier than you are and that bothers you, or just the fact that he/she should be there with you however as a friend, as a partner, as somebody you used to know.These questions can never be honestly answered, one 'cause love, you're talking about love, it is indeed unexplainable, the other questions couldn't ever be honest, 'cause you'd never know if the person is confessing or trying to cover it up to hurt you or just plainly wants to be in your good books. To stand there, to be thinking of all that and to be still present consciously with the people you're spending that time with, it happens to everyone feeling completely alone even if you have millions of people around.It is a boon that one of my pillars were always around to listen to me whenever I whined or provide me with their sturdy shoulder when I needed to cry.
So, the only thing that would matter is how much courage I needed to contain all my feelings in, to ignore the fact that it hurt to look at him happy, with someone else and living his life and I am not able to do the same even when he isn't around. They tell me grow up, they tell me to move on. Oh, I will and no one can stop me, I'm trying, because the bottomline is, I have to for my own peace and most importantly because only I can.
That day it rained, it rained like it could drench the inner me too, the cool rain that fell on every bit of me and that burning rage that came from inside of me, the beautiful blues and greys that the sky showed off sending us beautiful love and the blood red that my eyes flashed throwing off rage and sadness. Knees to her chest she hugged myself so tight for the world was cold and she was hurt and helpless, she thought to herself ,"If Only", the red eyed madness crying her heartout at every disappointment she recollected, wondering if it was ever worth it or it was just clear imbecile behaviour. Only she could help herself, and so it was time, she picked her up from the gut she had and walked away to cry no more, not then at least.
After all this while, after all the tears shed, after every tiny tale read and related to, after every advice followed, I want to be in a place where I no more have to think twice, when I don't have to wonder why I felt this way, and where I'd not want to shed more tears wondering why I haven't helped myself yet, why haven't I learnt to brush it away. Maybe, someday, the answers will be clear and I'll be in a place where I could smile to myself and proudly be able to say ,"It was all worth it."
"Maybe, Someday."
It was lunch on the second afternoon at the get together and the people who hung out with me had seen each other for an entire day and night, we spent our time bonding and making up for the time lost, and it was like any other get together could get. Food, games, music, a beautiful destination of a lot of other things. I stood there in the middle of the signed up chaos, and looked at him, with awe and disgust. A lot of things cross my mind when I see him, of the stream of thoughts, one that strikes me the hardest is that the person who once you were proud of, proud of him being in your life, is now a part of someone else's life, rather his life has someone else who held his priority card. The same face who stared me with all that love and concern, wouldn't even look at me, not even with a face that would give me a sense of relief that don't worry, it'll pass or it's okay. The other face which has learnt not to give a care about the person you once claimed to love. How does one perceive that behaviour as? I have two concerns, one if that behaviour is the silent language indicating the other person that he/she doesn't love him/her anymore and that it never mattered, or its just a little part of a big picture. How do you explain why you want him/her? Because you still love them, or are you insecure because they were your trophy partner, or they seem to be happier than you are and that bothers you, or just the fact that he/she should be there with you however as a friend, as a partner, as somebody you used to know.These questions can never be honestly answered, one 'cause love, you're talking about love, it is indeed unexplainable, the other questions couldn't ever be honest, 'cause you'd never know if the person is confessing or trying to cover it up to hurt you or just plainly wants to be in your good books. To stand there, to be thinking of all that and to be still present consciously with the people you're spending that time with, it happens to everyone feeling completely alone even if you have millions of people around.It is a boon that one of my pillars were always around to listen to me whenever I whined or provide me with their sturdy shoulder when I needed to cry.
So, the only thing that would matter is how much courage I needed to contain all my feelings in, to ignore the fact that it hurt to look at him happy, with someone else and living his life and I am not able to do the same even when he isn't around. They tell me grow up, they tell me to move on. Oh, I will and no one can stop me, I'm trying, because the bottomline is, I have to for my own peace and most importantly because only I can.
That day it rained, it rained like it could drench the inner me too, the cool rain that fell on every bit of me and that burning rage that came from inside of me, the beautiful blues and greys that the sky showed off sending us beautiful love and the blood red that my eyes flashed throwing off rage and sadness. Knees to her chest she hugged myself so tight for the world was cold and she was hurt and helpless, she thought to herself ,"If Only", the red eyed madness crying her heartout at every disappointment she recollected, wondering if it was ever worth it or it was just clear imbecile behaviour. Only she could help herself, and so it was time, she picked her up from the gut she had and walked away to cry no more, not then at least.
After all this while, after all the tears shed, after every tiny tale read and related to, after every advice followed, I want to be in a place where I no more have to think twice, when I don't have to wonder why I felt this way, and where I'd not want to shed more tears wondering why I haven't helped myself yet, why haven't I learnt to brush it away. Maybe, someday, the answers will be clear and I'll be in a place where I could smile to myself and proudly be able to say ,"It was all worth it."
"Maybe, Someday."
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