Have you ever rested to options like listening to loud music, banging stuff, keeping your self distracted with the annoying noise of the fan, in the attempt to shut down the voices in your head screaming to go against everyone and do what you feel like. Sometimes its more than that, in the attempt to keep it quiet and to not create a fuss just because your parent or your friend is hell bent on making everything a huge issue. Why can't things just pass, why does everyone need an explanation, why can't they just let it go, why can't they think from the other person's point of view, why are we all so hell bent on considering our decision as the most righteous one. Giving advice, help, kind words is different than shouting in your ears to make a point. Sometimes shouting is useless and worthless. Saying names is the worst.
When your kin goes down to the point from where demotivation in every form and manner and language possible is experienced, you will then know yourself, where you stand and what you could do to make it all go away. I used to be the person who believed suicide was a silly and useless thing to do, things can be taken care of if we just talk and deal with it, I never realised that a person only thinks of this when he realises that anything he said didn't matter, because the people he is supposed to talk to aren't listening.
Has suicide ever crossed my mind, have i ever thought of killing myself to an extent, where I got up the bed to walk to the kitchen and stare at the kitchen knife, oh yes, to fall off a high building to end the pain, definitely. A person who's perspectives about suicide and its concept can change so easily then what about the people who believe in suicides. What about them? Sometimes it is so important to let go of what you believe and sometimes to understand your own son/daughter/friend/wife etc.
My mother knows nothing about me, why i do certain things, when i do certain things which she thinks its annoying, why I didn't do something, she never understood me, its a stupid and a silly thing to say, because she is your mother and she knows you. I swear if she knew me things would've been so much better. Priorities can be just be set because she wants them set. I get it, she gave me life, she took care of me, she did everything possible to keep me alive and running, and for what?
To marry me to someone to give me the values she thought are right, to never be able make my own decisions without her influence hovering her. I don't even know who to blame it to, I am unable to make simple decisions because my mind is weak and it doesn't how to make a choice or its just the fear of failing that i never tried. I must've been trying the entire time, because now when i see myself, I have anger issues and problems with my mom standing in the same room as i am,. My sister can live life full of compromises because she understands and has the gut to answer and stand up to mum or dad. But me no, not possible, I have no ounce of confidence in what I do, because most of my life I've spent believing I am not good enough for them.
Today I believe I can do a better job own the kitchen without my mum shouting at me, cause the moment she steps into the kitchen all she does is shout shout shout, if there is no mistake, she will choose to ignore it. If she can't appreciate the work done then she cannot comment on everything I do. She needs everything clean has she ever noticed the amount of times she has left the kitchen dirty as a dirtbag,and how many times I've wasted time to clean that place.
She never can read my mind, she never tell what is on my head, because she has no clue whats going on in here. If she knew her daughter was different she would understand and it would make a lot of difference. If she only could try to talk to her daughter about what she felt without thrusting her own thoughts in the middle, life would've been easier. If only she knew how to deal with her own daughter, her life would've been easier too.
Being paranoid is normal now, not complaining and crying to oneself is normal now. When your own best friend thinks that you need a psychiatrist, listening to that has become normal now. Will she ever know the limit to being normal and psychologically strained. Will she ever know if she doesn't stop she will falter and she will not be able to take it anymore. Will she ever see the ray of hope that she needs, will she ever be able to do what she wants to, she will never know.
Maybe, she is over reacting, maybe she is wrong, maybe she is clueless, maybe she is too blind to understand the bigger picture or maybe she is just trying to save her ownself from herself. How much is that going to cost her, no-one will ever know..
When your kin goes down to the point from where demotivation in every form and manner and language possible is experienced, you will then know yourself, where you stand and what you could do to make it all go away. I used to be the person who believed suicide was a silly and useless thing to do, things can be taken care of if we just talk and deal with it, I never realised that a person only thinks of this when he realises that anything he said didn't matter, because the people he is supposed to talk to aren't listening.
Has suicide ever crossed my mind, have i ever thought of killing myself to an extent, where I got up the bed to walk to the kitchen and stare at the kitchen knife, oh yes, to fall off a high building to end the pain, definitely. A person who's perspectives about suicide and its concept can change so easily then what about the people who believe in suicides. What about them? Sometimes it is so important to let go of what you believe and sometimes to understand your own son/daughter/friend/wife etc.
My mother knows nothing about me, why i do certain things, when i do certain things which she thinks its annoying, why I didn't do something, she never understood me, its a stupid and a silly thing to say, because she is your mother and she knows you. I swear if she knew me things would've been so much better. Priorities can be just be set because she wants them set. I get it, she gave me life, she took care of me, she did everything possible to keep me alive and running, and for what?
To marry me to someone to give me the values she thought are right, to never be able make my own decisions without her influence hovering her. I don't even know who to blame it to, I am unable to make simple decisions because my mind is weak and it doesn't how to make a choice or its just the fear of failing that i never tried. I must've been trying the entire time, because now when i see myself, I have anger issues and problems with my mom standing in the same room as i am,. My sister can live life full of compromises because she understands and has the gut to answer and stand up to mum or dad. But me no, not possible, I have no ounce of confidence in what I do, because most of my life I've spent believing I am not good enough for them.
Today I believe I can do a better job own the kitchen without my mum shouting at me, cause the moment she steps into the kitchen all she does is shout shout shout, if there is no mistake, she will choose to ignore it. If she can't appreciate the work done then she cannot comment on everything I do. She needs everything clean has she ever noticed the amount of times she has left the kitchen dirty as a dirtbag,and how many times I've wasted time to clean that place.
She never can read my mind, she never tell what is on my head, because she has no clue whats going on in here. If she knew her daughter was different she would understand and it would make a lot of difference. If she only could try to talk to her daughter about what she felt without thrusting her own thoughts in the middle, life would've been easier. If only she knew how to deal with her own daughter, her life would've been easier too.
Being paranoid is normal now, not complaining and crying to oneself is normal now. When your own best friend thinks that you need a psychiatrist, listening to that has become normal now. Will she ever know the limit to being normal and psychologically strained. Will she ever know if she doesn't stop she will falter and she will not be able to take it anymore. Will she ever see the ray of hope that she needs, will she ever be able to do what she wants to, she will never know.
Maybe, she is over reacting, maybe she is wrong, maybe she is clueless, maybe she is too blind to understand the bigger picture or maybe she is just trying to save her ownself from herself. How much is that going to cost her, no-one will ever know..
True feelings 😊 D best of all
ReplyDeleteTrue feelings��best of all
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