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At my worst

I'm 24 and I cannot believe everything I've already done in my life. I made everything happen to me. Every achievement, every heart break, every tear, all the moments created and memories stored, I made everything come to reality. I've done a lot for a person who thought won't do anything exciting in life, including fall in love plenty of times and fall out of it plenty of times. 

Maybe this time it is different. Maybe this time around I fell in love and I want to embrace the wholeness of this relationship. It definitely is magical, every time he touches my hand, my skin tingles, it reminds me of the first time I smiled because I thought I was in love even before I knew the man. I just drove mindlessly with the biggest smile stuck on my face, thinking about what you said, and that you had a goodbye gift when I was leaving. At the time I hardly had people believe I was even a girl, but you gave me a little more than that. And that was enough at the time. I don't even know what changed. But that little nudge really pushed me to do things I wouldn't have otherwise with you. 

In hindsight, when I think about it, I made him do something he wasn't ever going to do on his own. And I was smiling because I made it happen. I achieved the result I wanted. I pushed it and when I saw a significant result, I was very happy, and I may have confused that for something that I actually wanted, until the point that I forgot why I started this and fell for every thing. This was the most easiest love I found. The easiest to fall in love, I am pretty sure I knew it wasn't gonna happen and in the beginning I pushed myself onto him because I was desperate- I was desperate to make someone love me. I write this today because I may not know if the one person who actually loves me doesn't even know that they were made to fall in love with me. It seems like a story that was good to be true because it never was. I'm not sure if making him fall in love with me, the biggest sin I could've made, or having him help me fall out of love with him is the bigger one. I am weak and a coward afraid to be hurt again for something I made happen, I just dragged another human to do that with me. I'm making him feel small and worthless because I started this and once the flood gates open it's hard to stop. I have caused a great inconvenience for a person who was living his life peacefully, without having an idiot mess it up because she was lonely.  

I'm sorry I made a butterfly affect take place turned a few things around and changed our whole lives when I took the decision to be with you. To choose you. I do not have the power to imagine a parallel world where I didn't choose you but if that happened then I only would want one thing for you, for you to be happy, for you to have more self worth than you think you have, to have the resources to help your parents till their last breath. To not having to end your life at the age of 50 or to not having to send me cruise tickets when I'm 35. 

Tonight I realize what being selfless is all about. You taught me what it is to be selfless for someone you truly love. You really loved me, didn't you? 

I have a few things to say to you. I'm not sorry that I met you, I never will be sorry to have known you. I'm not sorry for choosing this love. I'm not sorry I was blessed to help you and be wth you to make yours and my life better every step of the way. I'm not sorry god put you in my path.  I  can never say goodbye to you, unless if that is what you want. I love you more than I'll ever understand. Thank you for sticking around and changing my life completely. I appreciate it. I hope I didn't cause you too much pain. You take care flake. 

Until next time,🍒

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