What do we really need?

Just like that, we stopped. There were a million ways to reach me and he chose none. When I look into my mind to see what I've spent too much time doing in this made-up friendship was beg, and he did the same, he begged me to stay away from him because he actually cared and he felt as much as I did, maybe more. He is alone, and he knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with him for too long but as strong as he is, he couldn't see me left alone like that. He is the one in a true sense that people ask and want, he listened to everything I had to say, everything I felt, all the emotions, the anger, the frustration, the love, the attention, the kindness, the meanness, he was here but he was also struggling so much and he never stepped back to let me do whatever I want, any guy in his place would've known that this wasn't worth his time and should've made the run for it years ago. He is kind, he has the biggest heart, the world and the people in it are not black and white and so it was obvious that he was also mean sometimes, sometimes rude but I never wanted to hear a couple of things he said. sometimes we tend to put a little extra faith in humanity expecting them to deliver the performance of their lives when it comes to you, and lately, I have understood that this isn't true and no one person should have that kind of responsibility.

We often forget that happiness and sadness come to hand to hand and people who give it are also the ones that cause it one way or another, the real task is how we stand up for each other and hold out our hearts in our hands for each other. Trauma sometimes stems from the simplest of things, for example when you said something about how you felt to your dad and he took it crushed it in front of you, or when you tell mum explicitly that you were happy when you were out and that is why you were late and she resorts to violence, it ingrained in your soul to keep thinking about it is to rub salt into those wounds. A man who would go through all this with me, listening and offering his arms for support every time I needed them, he sure hesitated but always gave in because he was torn between letting me get over it by my own strength and become stronger or be here and comfort me in the time of need because he loved me more than I understood love. 

He has been more than a dear friend and I've been unfair to him all the time, always been the demanding one, give me a hug, come meet me, let's go out, let's eat ice cream. This man has pushed beyond his limit and today when I stepped back I realized that he is trying and he is trying hard to be there for me, but unfortunately, his time with me has almost run out. It hurts to think about it because it feels like it would've been easier if one of us were dead, at least we wouldn't have to voluntarily stop ourselves from loving the person we love so much that we consider them family. At least for me, I think it's better to mourn a relationship that cannot be, than a relationship that shouldn't be because it's inconvenient for the fragile hearts we have. They say the heart wants what it wants, but this heart doesn't really know what it really wants because all it knows is to hold people responsible for its happiness. How is that fair to anyone, we came alone but between people who helped us come into this world and we stick by them because they helped us and now we have got to return the favor, but in reality, we were always alone and will stay alone till we hold the responsibility of bringing someone to this world and it will then be up to them to show you kindness and love. Where does it stop?

I am sorry that I've been hard, it's too hard to be who I am and ask more of you. I guess you need this more than I do today, I think it's time for us to say our goodbyes and I would be happier if you were happy. You don't have to be responsible for my happiness anymore, I am sorry you had to play the part for so long, you've been too good, I must be tremendously blessed to have you by my side, it hurts too much to not be able to see you, touch you or talk to you. You've become a bad habit. You and I both need rehab, rehab from each other. Go out there and be you, I will love you till the end of my life. I may not be able to play that part anymore but no one can take that pride in loving you forever away from me. 

I really hope when the right time comes, you and I can start being just distant friends again, for now, you're free, thank you for being here more, you made me more. Don't hoard any guilt, you deserve only love and I know you will get all of it, always remember I am here for you, you call me when you need me not because you have to for my sake, not anymore, ok? Don't be a stranger.